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Being a New Stepparent

Introducing a stepparent into your child's life is much easier when your children are younger. Children under the age of five are usually more accepting of change and do not yet possess the attitudes that older children do. That said, however, the transition can still be difficult if it is not handled the right way. Younger children, especially, are more apt to be confused about their role with the new stepparent and maybe even suffer confusion about liking him or her. To ease this transition, follow the list of suggestions below.

• Explain the situation to your child. Many children may feel that if they love the new parent then they can’t love their old parent. Girls especially, may feel as though they are betraying their real dad if they feel love for a new dada. Explain to your children that it is possible to love more than one parent and that all of their parents love them. While your child is struggling with the concept, be patient and do not push him or her.

• Never talk badly about their absent parent. No one ever does it on purpose, but sometimes in a period of anger or frustration, parents put down the other parent. Do not allow yourself or your new spouse to do this in regards to the absent parent. This type of action will only cause your child to feel as though they have to stand up for their real parent and those feelings will place a wedge in the stepparent/child relationship. Always show respect for the absent parent and for the relationship your child has with that parent. Explain to your child that the new parent is not trying to replace his or her real dad or mom, they are only adding to the family.

• Prepare your new spouse for your child's anger. Confused children sometimes take their anger at the situation out on the new parent. It is not unusual for a child to use phrases such as "you are not my real dad", or "I hate you". Explain to your new spouse that these phrases are not meant literally and do not allow them to punish the child for saying them. Even the "real" parent will encounter the phrase "I hate you " and some point. It is just a child's way of lashing out. The best way to handle these statements is to remain calm and answer with a positive statement such as, "I am sorry that you feel that way right now, but I still love you and I always will". These types of calming statements will work to reinforce your love for your child and make them feel more secure in their new situation.

• Try talking to your ex-spouse and getting his or her cooperation. If possible, it helps to talk to your ex about the feelings that your child is having. If they are willing, it would be a big help for them to talk to the child and explain that they have no hard feelings about the new situation. They can also talk to the child about their feelings for the new spouse and explain to the child that it is ok if he or she loves them both. Sometimes, kids can let go of their fear if they are given permission to have a relationship with all adults involved without worrying about hurting someone's feelings.

• Try family counseling. If your child doesn't come around in an appropriate amount of time, or if your child begins to exhibit signs of stress or withdraw, then it might be best to seek the advice of a therapist. Many therapists run programs for blended families that teaches each member of the family how to deal with the new situation. Not only will your child learn what to do with their feelings, but you and your new spouse will also learn new ways to deal with the situation.
Above all else, be patient. Blending a new family takes time and over the course of the relationship many ups and downs will surface. Take each problem as it comes and try not to worry too much.


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